Hero of Nobody

Dear reader(s),
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Dear reader(s),

Sometimes I just want to sit down and enjoy a baseball game. I'm really trying to resurrect myself as a Mariners fan since the last couple of seasons have been unwatchable, terrible pitching, bad trades, the worst offense, Richie Sexson and rock bottom management. There really are positives to look forward to this year:
- Can Ken Griffey redeem himself after admittedly dogging it in his last year as a mariner? I want to see it! I booed him mercilessly, even in front of mother that year. Beneath it all Griffey encompasses more happy giddy Mariner memories for me than any other player. Only Buhner, Henry Cotto, Bill Caudill and Edgar Martinez are close. So what if he's 40 and soon to be out for two months with a pulled hammie. He has my attention.
- ...well okay fine that's the only positive thing since when I look at this team I see last year's team. Betancourt and Jose Lopez can't hit, Bedard is already sitting out spring training with a pulled GLUTE, Carlos Silva singlehandedly ruined Venezuela in the WBC giving up more runs in the first inning than Steve Trout, not one but four catchers which is ridiculous (I hate Johjima!) and absolutely no bullpen.
My point is I'm really trying to be a fan again so I have been (trying to) watch the Mariners Nightly show on the FSN. It's not going well. I lived through the Angie hottie Arlati years. She is a good example of a Mariners Nightly girl that was fun to look at but didn't completely distract you from the reason you tuned in, to watch baseball! This new Nicole Zaloumis girl is a different story. Forget these Fox News/CNN/Wheel of Fortune porn babes, Nicole Zaloumis is different. I don't want to sound like a pig here, you are all thinking it and shelvis is not afraid to say it. The second those boobies appear on screen on the pregame show...forget it. It would be a miracle if I don't miss the entire game beating off like a 19 year-old. It really is crazy. I thought I was past this shit. I'm of advancing age and until now and this shouldn't be a problem. Now I live in fear of the Mariners Nightly show because I know what will happen. I thought I was more mature and evolved than this. Ridiculous. I'll go against one of my hero's Dudley Dawson in imploring the camera man to never pan down...ever! I either need those boobies hidden or I need my penis to commit a long overdue suicide. Not sure which is more likely. Nicole Zaloumis: the Christy Canyon of sportscasters. 'nuff said right there.
Happy friday.
Shelvis

Dear reader(s),
Friday I was taken to the Lunchbox Laboratory in Ballard after hearing longtime listeners Roger and Jack (names changed to protect the not-so innocent) rave about the place for a while. I have to admit that after all this talk I expected the place to look like a midieval fortress of burgers. A monument to all that is burger. Good news is the place is tiny and is really decorated for idiots like me. Sinatra pictures on the walls, a ton of lunchboxes everywhere (it just now occurred to me what the significance of this was), juke box filled with only Ramones cd's (so awesome) and mexican cokes. I love the mexican cokes because they're made with pure cane sugar in lieu of the high fructose corn syrup that will kill you. Do the research, shelvis is not able to backup these claims due to heavy sedation. Problem is these cokes cost $17 per case at the costco, so mother will not buy them for me despite my crying. A few other thoughts:
- I am not going to beat around the bush. Thanks to my pre-meal safety meeting I could not read the menu or communicate in any constructive manner with the girl that was ready to take my order. Roger rescued me thankfully, ordering my 1/2 lb cheeseburger...plain. I am a picky bastard and as a knee-jerk reaction want to complain that these guys are trying to reinvent the wheel. You know, if it ain't broke don't fix it. The burgers everywhere are good and I hate toppings on my burger. Meat, cheese, bun and pickle(s) on the side. What can this place offer in the way of originality for a purist such as myself?
- I was impressed in many ways here. I've never had a hamburger bun such as they have for example. I'm an idiot and can't even describe this, but it was as if the bun wasn't even there. It simply was a carrying device for the meat. The whole thing just melts in your mouth. Like I said that night, I could eat eight of those burgers. Just like that travel channel schmuck, except I guarandamntee you I could meat that challenge (typo intended).
- side dish? full-on five star MEXI fries! Not even a criticism here. Total tatertots spiced however you want. I love mexifries so I sat there having Taco Time flashbacks after I'd finished my burger.
- Don't walk into this place talking any shit about how "good your double quarter pounder with cheese was last night". Just sayin', ya might get your ass pistol whipped.
- I'm holding off on my one complaint since I did not pay for my burger (thanks dudes). However I'll just say one thing. If I lived within walking distance to the Lunchbox Lab I would have to get a second job, or in my case a first job, solely for the purpose of supporting my burger habit. I mean F man. Good burgers hell YES but damn. I hate to say it but in this economy McDonalds especially will destroy this place every time just based on prices. The average unemployed burger eater will take quantity over quality all night long.

Conclusion:
Burger? 4.75 out of a possible 5 hamburglars. Pretty solid score right there. Well-earned. You can tell these guys are really dedicated to the art of the burger and you have to respect that. I am rooting for this place to really make it. I got lost getting there or I'd definitely go back. Check out the website for directions and details on the menu. Like I said. I remember little about the menu just due to the fact that I was so unbelievably sedated. Holy cow.
Location? Like I said I was lost so I cannot say. Don't take me being lost as a deterrent. I am lost all the time, especially when I am in Ballard. I don't know what it is with Ballard. It is just a black hole for me unless I am going to the Backstage. I can usually find that no problem.
Tomorrow? Fremont night life and alcohol is definitely "drugs".
Happy monday.
Shelvis

Dear reader(s),
It's another level of reality in this shit economy when your local movie theater closes overnight. No warning...nothing. From what I hear the moving trucks came in the wee hours of the morning and everything was moved out within a few hours. Gone is the theater than I could walk to, no matter how intoxicated. No matter how many egyptian temples I was seeing everywhere. I could always make it down to this theater. I don't talk too much about my neighborhood. There are meth heads GALORE here, it's scary as shit at night, no streetlights to speak of, the lights that are here were clearly installed in the 1950's and are very dim, there's lots of mold and moss growing and the iranian dude down at the 56th street market always glares at me when I buy zigzags. If this town had anything going for it, it was that theater. Nothing says "Great Depression II" like another gigantic empty box in the middle of town next door to the Compusa that has been vacant for over a year now. I admit fully that I now have no clue how I'll ever see another movie at a theater again. I think the alderwood mall is the next closest theater and that is pretty fucking far away. Finally, there was a legendary seattle club that closed down years ago. It was such a legendary club that people were bitching that the last show there ever was a really drunken, shitty performance by alien sex fiend. Not the right sendoff in the least. I kind of have the same feeling about the Mountlake 9 since the last movie I saw there was the completely subpar and disappointing remake of the Day the Earth Stood Still.
Happy friday. Tomorrow dick jokes.
Shawn

Dear reader(s),
First off I have to say that this clip might be the most inspirational piece of footage I have ever seen in my life.

You too can stand up against a corporation that represents all that is wrong with the world...and win. Seriously, F Walmart.
Please watch the film in its entirety. It's free on the youtube. It will open your eyes baby.

Some days I have to sit back and be amazed at how bad some movies can be. Even if the film in question has everything going for it. Sometimes a movie is so bad there is just no saving it. Needless to say I loved the first Pirates of the Carribean movie. So much so that I knew I'd love part 2 and 3 just by default! After my 5th failed attempt to watch Pirates of the Carribean 3: At Worlds Rear-End, I had to throw in the towel. It's all there still: pirates, John Depp all drunk and coked up...it just doesn't matter. It's as if no thought whatsoever went into the script. They figured just making it bizarre as fuck will work. Not in this case. I can't even go into detail for fear of ruining this movies perfect "badness" for anyone that hasn't seen it. Inexcusable!
Shelvis

Dear reader(s),
Mother sent me this. I haven't stopped laughing since. Get out your magnifying glass like I did and really study this pic. It will only get funnier and funnier. Kind of a cross between Elegant Elliot Offen and Dee Snider.

Also did you know that you can build a house entirely out of hemp? Hemp: the plant that never stops giving. As you should know by now pot is not "drugs". Don't argue with shelvis. Although even I'll admit that it looks like the guy in the pic might be smokin' a little. Nevermind that.
Happy hump day.
Shelvis

Dear reader(s),
I know I've been in rehab more times recently than Robert Downey Junior in the 1990's. Of course it's mom's rehab so all it really means is the following:
1. I'm on my best behavior and spending time with mother.
2. I'm teasing mother that she should open a rehab at her house since there is really no escape. At least a five mile trek to the nearest glimpse of actual civilization. That's assuming you can make it those five miles without being eaten by the bears, coyotes and sasquatches. Seriously would be a good spot for a rehab.
3. Hiking a lot.

But first things first. I'm a lifelong Buffalo Bills fan. I don't want to sound like a girl here, but I still get all teary eyed when I think about Jim Kelly's retirement speech. I get chills up and down my spine when I think about Jim Kelly's induction into the Hall of Fame. Same with Marv Levy, Bruce, Thurman Thomas. All fucking heroes of mine throughout the late 80's and 90's. My point is I didn't see this Terrel Owens signing coming. I heard Dallas cut him and just assumed that the redskins would sign him and he'd fade into obscurity. In a way Buffalo signing Owens caps my disgruntledness as a fan. A once proud franchise reduced to desperation signings like this. Marv Levy should have vetoed this signing. Let that bit hit the news and you would have felt my pride. Sure, I do get partial wood thinking about Lee Evans not being suffocated on a double, even triple team all season. Then again this could be James Lofton all over again taking the pressure off Andre Reed and catapulting the team to four proud Super Bowl losses. But realistically, is Trend Edwards that good? Do the bills think this will fix this mess of a team. $6 million of precious cap space even? F. I'm glad I took my heart out of the NFL two years ago. I still follow the bills and seahawks, but I don't let the disappointment get my panties and bunched up anymore. I just find myself a bigger fan of teams that make me the most money. But I'm getting off topic now.

A few other rehab notes:
- That's a picture of me above on a hike. It started snowing like hell while we were down on the canal.

- My cat does not get along with mother's new corgi. Therefore tension is brewing since stepdad steve has the cancer now and is used to a lot more peace than this. A cat fighting with his dog is cramping his style. I'm going home tomorrow afternoon.
- I just watched two hours of American Idol. Mother loves that show and the point is to spend time with her. It was painful but I listened to Ron Paul interviews on youtube during all the commercials and gay interview segments. I am not even joking around here when I say that American Idol this season is full criminals, rednecks, one blond that I thought was kind of hot until I saw her crackwhore tattoos and down syndrome baby. Most of all Paula Abdul just does not look right. Anyone else seen her on tv lately? Definitely too much botox since her upper lip did not move at all for two solid hours, but is she drunk? Pilled up? Heroin? Just curious. What a spaced out drooling rambling trainwreck.
- I have to admit Simon Cowell makes me (and mother) laugh. always good to see mother laugh.
Here's another snow pic of me on our hike monday. Me: tired, drenched, wearing a hat to cover up a haircut too embarassing for even mother to see, and hungry as hell.
- Mother also loves watching the Emerill cooking show on the family channel. Today he has an extra portly and unhealthy looking Aretha Franklin on the show. I love this because her job is to sit there and watch Emerill cook. She throws in the occasional "mmmm hmmm", "smells good hon-nay" but really she is just waiting for those veal chops to get done cookin' so she can pounce on them like a homeless person. Not a bad show, I'm laughing my ass off over here.
- I'm returning to casa de shelvis wednesday evening. I'm going to set the land speed record getting the hell off the wagon before it's too late. I also have a reservation with one of the premier not-so sleazy high class asian masseuses in the seattle metropolitan area. Just shelvis here. Weaker by the moment, no shame, most of all no pride. Pot is not "drugs". Do not argue with shelvis.
Happy hump day.
Shelvis

P.S. Are you PREPARED?!